Services › Anxiety therapy for gay men
Anxiety therapy for gay men · San FranciscoAnxiety therapy for gay men in San Francisco and across California
You're good at your job, good to your friends, and your brain still won't let you rest. You plan for worst cases that never come. You've convinced yourself there are only two options, and both are bad. The spirals are tiring, and you're ready for something other than trying harder.
I'm Aaron, a Queer, mixed-race therapist in San Francisco. I work with gay men whose anxiety is running their relationships, their work, or their 2am, and I know the spiral from the inside.
Aaron Martin, LMFT · Video sessions · California
What the spiral usually looks like
In my practice, gay men tend to spiral about four things: romantic relationships, work, perfectionism, and appearance. You might recognize some of this:
You read one text from your partner and spend the afternoon building a case that they're pulling away.
You get feedback at work and hear it as proof you're about to be found out.
You finish something well and immediately start on what you didn't do well enough.
You've noticed you reach for a drink or a gummy when the worry ramps up, and it's become automatic.
You moved to San Francisco for the community and somehow feel lonelier than you did before.
You've tried running, meditating, mindfulness, maybe a round of CBT, and you're exhausted and still looking for the next thing to do.
If that last one sounds familiar, you're in good company. People come to me having done everything on that list, and they still want to do more. But a feeling isn't a problem you solve by working harder at it.
Feelings aren't facts. They're data.
I describe anxiety as an unchecked fear of the unknown. It's not your enemy, and having it doesn't mean you're broken. It's just your body handing you information, usually loudly and at a bad time. The work is learning to slow down, read the data, and choose what to do with it instead of getting hijacked by it.
A thought is just a thought. "My partner must be cheating on me" is a thought. Going through his phone and confronting him is a behavior. Part of what we do together is learning which thoughts deserve your attention and which ones you can let pass, and noticing when you're responding to an older version of yourself or your relationship rather than the one in front of you.
What actually happens in a session
Here's what it looks like when you show up mid-spiral.
I'll probably pause you mid-sentence, because your brain is moving fast and you're spilling out whatever just set you off. I'll ask what you're feeling. The answer is usually worried, stressed, anxious. I'll tell you that makes sense, because about 99% of the time it does, given what you're describing. Then I'll wonder out loud whether there's some judgment in there too, some version of "I didn't do this well enough." And I'll ask if there's any way to bring a sliver of compassion to yourself in that moment. Just a sliver. Then we talk about what it was like to say that out loud.
What we've done is slow you down, name the feeling, validate it, catch the harsh thought underneath, and rewrite it. The first few times we do this it feels clunky and a little awkward, because you're not used to interrupting your own thoughts. That's normal. It gets easier.
Underneath the CBT, I was trained psychodynamically and relationally, which mostly means I'm good at building a relationship quickly. Clients tell me by session two they're saying things they held back from their last therapist. I know when to slow a session down and when to put a foot on the gas.
What to expect over time
Most people work with me weekly for five to seven months, on video, anywhere in California. Roughly:
Around session 4
You're starting to feel anxiety in your body before it takes over, and to notice the thoughts that show up right before the worry.
Around session 8
You're practicing self-compassion and validation on your own, and you can name what your anxiety is trying to tell you in different settings.
By session 12
You've stopped treating every thought like it's true. You know your yellow flags, the signs you're about to spiral, and you're bringing your own experiments to session: "I tried this skill, it didn't quite work, why?"
What that looks like in real life: you notice you're jealous and you tell your partner instead of picking a fight. You notice you're anxious and you decide whether you want the drink, instead of it deciding for you. You still have anxiety. You've just stopped organizing your life around it.
Who this is for, and who it isn't
This is for you if…
You're a gay man (or one of the many trans, queer, and nonbinary folks I see) who is anxious, accomplished, and tired of white-knuckling it. I spent time at Lyra Health and saw firsthand the pressure that engineers and product managers carry.
It's not the right fit if…
You're in crisis, have recently attempted suicide, or have recently been hospitalized. If you're drinking every day rather than on a big night out, I'm probably not the therapist for you either. I don't see couples, and I don't see anyone younger than ninth grade. If you're on medication, I'm happy to coordinate with your prescriber.
If you're not sure, book the call and we'll figure it out together.
Why me
I'm a worrier from a family of worriers. In grad school my anxiety got so loud I worried my friends were tired of hearing about my spirals. I know the pit in the stomach and the time spent spinning instead of living. I also know what it's like to look for a therapist and not find one who gets the Queer part or the biracial part.
Aaron C. Martin, LMFT #133857 · MS in Counseling, San Francisco State University · Formerly Lyra Health, Strut (San Francisco AIDS Foundation), and San Francisco Unified School District · Taught couples and family therapy in the SF State graduate program
Questions people ask before booking
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Ready when you are
Book a free 20-minute call. I'll ask you two things: why now, and what you'd want to be different eight months from today. By the end we'll both know if this is a fit.